Grown Up Life

The Best Advice My Dad Ever Gave Me: Be Kind

My dad and Lilah.
My dad and Lilah.

My work is to remember my dad’s advice to me when I first started dating:

“Remember, it takes a boy a lot of courage to ask a girl out, so say yes if you can. Don’t lead him on, but say yes.”

I spent a good decade keeping this advice in mind, trying valiantly to give a guy a chance as long as he wasn’t creepy or dangerous. I went on a lot of dates with a lot of different people: tech nerds, start-up upstarts, sweet Jewish boys, sweet non-Jewish boys, driven finance guys who kept east coast bank hours, snobbish San Francisco culture vultures, club boys.

I quickly learned that saying “yes” meant I also had to learn how to artfully say “no” to a second date when it wasn’t a good fit. Still, I mostly always managed to find that something special in each boy, that glimmer of amazing that each of us possess, even if we don’t always show it. Didn’t mean I was going to marry the guy.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but I eventually realized that what my dad was really trying to say was, “Be kind.” He just put it into terms a 16-year-old girl could relate to.

Now, as a mom, my work is to hold that advice in my hand and gently pass it on to each of my girls. It’s easy to tell our children to be kind, to teach them not to hit or use unkind words; it’s a little more challenging to teach them what compassion – a sort of ultimate kindness – looks like in real life.

Yesterday Lilah and I walked by a homeless man holding an empty Peet’s coffee cup, greeting passers-by with a hearty “good day” and asking for money. We were on our way to our favorite lunch place to pick up a kale salad. The kid loves raw kale salad.

“What is that man doing?” she asked and I didn’t know how to explain to her three-year-old soul how it is that some people have homes and some don’t, that some people need our kindness more than others and even ask for it outright.

So I said, “He’s just hanging out with his coffee saying “hi” to people who go by.”

“That’s a nice man,” she said.

How true. Even a person who needs so much more than we do is able to give a little something, even if it’s just a heart-felt greeting. And while I know what he needs and wants is my spare change, I think what we all want more than anything is to just simply be part of this world, to be seen and noticed. To know that we matter.

Lilah and I ordered our kale salad as usual and added on an organic turkey sandwich with locally sourced slaw on a whole grain bun. On the way back to the car, I handed the man the sandwich and we locked eyes for a second and smiled at each other.

“God bless” he said and my heart swelled a little. I wondered at the power of those words and the ability of anyone to invoke them, ask for them, bestow them on any other person in this world. What a gift.

“Thank you,” I replied. “Have a good day.”

“That man’s hungry!” Lilah declared as though she suddenly understood the secrets of the universe and why people stand on street corners asking for stuff – money, food. Kindness.

My work is to show some kindness, to eat kale salad with my three-year-old and, most of all, to remember that everyone matters in this world.

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post, where writers and bloggers link up with a relevant post. This week’s prompt was: “The best advice my father ever gave me was…”

Your hosts: Kristi Campbell (Finding Ninee) and Stephanie Sprenger (Mommy for Real)
Guest hosts: Michelle (Crumpets and Bollocks) and this week’s sentence thinker upper
Ruchira (Abracadabra)

15 comments on “The Best Advice My Dad Ever Gave Me: Be Kind

  1. Found you on the FB 1000speak thread, and stopping by to read and now comment on your post, which is SO GOOD. Compassion for others, and passing it on as a learned skill are a lost art, but not yet extinct!


    • Thanks so much Daphne! One of the amazing things about keeping compassion in mind and writing about it is how great it makes me feel. Wonderful to “meet” you 🙂


  2. Jen @ Driftwood Gardens

    Your three year old likes raw kale salad? Parenting win! Another win is going to be when she’s older and follows the example you’re setting for being a compassionate person. Great story!


    • Thanks so much for stopping by Jen! The raw kale salad is such a win, especially because it took her two older sisters years to get on board with eating greens. *sigh* Excited to write with you on February 20!


  3. Beautiful lesson from your father and from you to your daughters.


  4. Have to say your dad’s explanation had more of an impact on me than “be kind.” It made me really think about the act of the fellow scrinching up his courage to ask you out. Clever fellow your dad. That was so very kind of you to hand over the turkey sandwich to that gentleman. Reminds me of this past summer when I was in another city with my two. We passed a homeless man and my son (18 at the time) smiled and said hello to him. When we were out of earshot my son reprimanded me for sailing by with a terse “Acknowledge them, Mom. They’re people too.” Bingo.


    • You know you’ve done a good job when your children become the teachers 🙂 I think you’re right, there are perhaps several “lessons” in my dad’s advice, the big one being “be kind” and another being something along the lines of recognizing that everyone is worthy of our acknowledgment. Thanks for stopping by Kelly!


  5. Be kind. Best advice ever and one I want my daughter’s to remember. You also showed yours that kindness equals action sometimes.


  6. He’s a wise man, that Marvin!
    And obviously Lilah likes raw kale – she’s wise too! (And also, we used to take her for our favorite salad from before she could even talk). Be kind: tiny words that mean the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Kristi Campbell - findingninee

    I love love this – yes! Everybody matters. Everybody wants to be seen. To be Here. I’m so glad that you linked this up with Finish the Sentence Friday – it was a treat to read. Also, how awesome is it that your daughter loves kale salad? I’m still trying to get my son to eat anything green. Anything. Well, maybe not green playdough.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much Kristi! Do not ask me why my kid likes raw kale. It’s like a miracle. Everytime she requests it I try to act really cool and non-chalant like it’s totally normal. Meanwhile my inner Mommy is squealing with glee! Truly it’s one of three green things she’ll eat. The other two are broccoli and green Playdoh 😉


  8. Be kind. That may just be the best advice ever. I loved this, Lisa – made me a bit verklempt. I need to look for those teaching moments more with my own kids.


    • Thanks Dana! I wish I could say I take advantage of all the teachable moments but I’m pretty sure there are just as many if not more totally forgettable ones. Like every time we’re in the car an my inner salty sailor comes out. Lots of potty mouth going on the and lots of me hoping my kids aren’t listening!


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